tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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