pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I touched a dick in church today
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
