please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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