I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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