If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
