I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
