Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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