Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
