i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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