You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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