Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
