It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
