a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
How external is "for external use only"?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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