TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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