guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
