don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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