You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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