im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
