so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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