I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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