If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
