tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
