Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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