i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
