Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
