Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i would punch a child for taco bell
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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