He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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