Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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