At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
