is your mom at the bar?
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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