he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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