he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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