My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
