Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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