I just saw a hot homeless man
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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