Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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