Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just threw up on my dentist
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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