My boss' voice literally gives me gas
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Randomize
