Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
