i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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