you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
