it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
