I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
