New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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