I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
