Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
