Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
