a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
