I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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