Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
