So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
