Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My balls are so social today.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
