god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
