she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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