You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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