I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
In other news, I just burned my penis
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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