every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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