fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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