I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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